i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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