Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Randomize