Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
