i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
