he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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