i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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