You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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