Your face is a jimmy john
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
