i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
