My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
