I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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