look no pants
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
