i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
