Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
