This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize