He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
