I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
