Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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