I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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