I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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