i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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