I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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