I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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