I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
