My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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