Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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