i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
