I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
