Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize