She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
how does that bad decision feel?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize