I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
