you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
