i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
