Tell her she can't have a vagina
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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