pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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