Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize