just tell him i said nine months
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
