I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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