I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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