legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
