why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
