What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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