Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
