listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
