Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
