Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
