he wants to bone in the snuggie
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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