Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
