what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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