Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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