WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
