After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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