i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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