Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize