The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
