She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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