I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
