I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
