I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
