i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
