your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
stop calling my apartment porn island.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
