I wannas sexs uuuuu
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
