Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize