Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
