He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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