I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How does it feel to date your dad?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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