All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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