Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
