Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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