hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
