It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
