"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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