My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
