Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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